Now in that laid back town of sunny san rafael,
lived a girl named PEARLY CHEESECAKE,you probably knew her well.
She's been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years
and the story is widely told,
that she can smoke'em faster than anyone can roll.
While off in New York City,in that "GROOVE" street walk-up flat.
Dwealt the CALISTOGA KID,a beatnik from the past.
With long brown lighting fingers,he takes a cultured toke
and says:"HELL I CAN ROLL'EM FASTER FREIND THAN ANY CHIC CAN SMOKE."
So a note gets sent to San Rafael,for the CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD.
The KID demands a smoke-off? - "WELL BRING HIM ON!" says PEARL,
"I'LL GRIND HIS FINGERS OFF HIS HANDS, HE'LL ROLL UNTILL HE DROPS."
Says CALISTOG,"I'LL TWIST THAT SMOKE TILL THAT CHIC BLOWS UP AND POPS!"
So they rent out YANKEE STADIUM and the word is quickly spread
"COME ONE COMEALL WHO WALK OR CRAWL,THE PRICE IS JUST TWO LIDS A HEAD."
And from every town and hamlet over land and sea they speed
the worlds greatest dopers with the worlds greatest weeds.
There's Hashishers from Morrocco and Shamnicks from Bagun
and those who call it "LIGHT OF LIFE"and those who call it "BOO".
See the dealers and their ladies dressed in turqoise,lace,and leather.
See the narcos and the closet smokers puffing all together.
From the teenies who smoke it legal,to the ones who've done some time,
to the old man who smoked it back before it was a crime.
At a table piled up high with grass,high as a mountain peak,
just tops and fowlers of the rarest buds,not one stem,branch,or seed.
There's Maui-Wowie,Panama Red,and Aucopolco Gold.
There's Kiff from East Afghanistan and the rare Alaskan Cold.
There's sticks from Thailand,Ganga from the Islands,and Bangkok's bloomin best,
and some of that wet imported shit that capsized off Key West.
Then the lights went low and the crowd yelled---"GO"
AND THE WORLDS FIRST SMOKE-OFF BEGINS!
KID flicks his majic fingers once and zap that first joint's rolled.
PEARL takes one hit with her super lungs and woosh that roach is cold.
Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smoked them up in nine
and everone sits back and says,"THIS JUST MAY TAKE SOME TIME"
See the blur of flying fingers,see the the red coal burning bright
as the Autumn turns to summer and a whole damm year is gone
and still those two sit on that roach-filled stage just a rollin & smokein'on
With trembling hands he rolls his jays.with fingers blue and stiff
PEARL coughs & stares with bloodshot gaze & puffs through blistered lips.
And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of GOLD.
The KID,he gasps,"GODDAMMIT BITCH,THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO ROLL!"
"NOTHING LEFT TO ROLL!!!" screams PEARL,"IS THIS SOME TWISTED JOKE?
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO FUCK AROUND MAN,I CAME HERE TO SMOKE!"
So she reaches cross the table and she grabs his boney sleeves
and crumples his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves
flicking out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds.
then she rolls him in a Zig-Zag and she lights him like a roach
and the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up in a puff of smoke.
Now in that laid back southern California town of sunny San Rafael
lives a girl named PEARLY CHEESCAKE, you probably knew her well.
She's been stoned twenty-one of her twenty-four years
& the story is widely told,
that she can STILL smoke'em faster than anyone can roll.
While in off in New York City on a street that has no name
are the hands of the CALISTOGO KID in the "VIPER HALL OF FAME"
And beneath those magic fingers there's a little golden scroll that says;
--------" BEWARE OF BEING THE ROLLER WHEN THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO ROLL "-------